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HULK DRINK BEER

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(Note that TWM is in the usual color, and Ana’s responses are in this vaguely merlot color.)

Maybe it’s an attempt to humanize our modern gods in order to feel that much closer to our heroes despite the eternal chasm that separates man from — well, Superman – or maybe it’s just fun to think about; here’s a tag team effort to deduce what ten famous super heroes and super heroines might drink in their off hours.  (Please remember to always fight crime responsibly.)  It is also that we are a bunch of lushes and have had these debates so many times we decided to bring the discussion to the masses to see what our readers have to say. 

 

Bring Hulk tequila! NOW

Bring Hulk tequila! NOW

The Hulk:  On one hand, a Pennsylvania State University-educated physicist, forever on the run.  One the other, the ultimate expression of “losing my shit.”  The angrier Hulk gets, the stronger he gets.  At some point, I expect there’s a physical limit to even his feats of strength.  So for the ultimate schizophrenic, it’s gotta be Patron tequila shots with a beer backer. Tequila go up, beer come down.  Tequila makes a man do strange things and Banner definitely finds himself in strange places when he wakes up from being the Hulk, typically wearing nothing more than a tattered pair of shorts and regret. (So wait, we are saying that tequila makes his pants come off? Country music reference. Boom.) And hey, who hasn’t been there?  Whether it’s a long night of city-smashing punch-ups or beating a Sherman tank into submission, the Hulk makes your wildest nights on Four Loko seem pale by comparison.  

Are we separating Banner and Hulk as drinkers into two categories? I think if Banner were to drink tequila the Hulk would more likely make the appearance and don’t you think that’s what he is trying to AVOID? I think Banner would skip hard stuff, especially if there was a chance it would trigger. Now, if he were already the Hulk and were to start drinking at that point, I don’t think tequila would be ragey enough. I’m thinking he would go straight to the über hard stuff like Everclear, or something else so strong it could light on fire if he belched. He is angry, he wants the burn! Hulk get smashed!

When Dr. Banner wakes up in West Moses with no knowledge of what his tortured tenant has been up to this time, odds are he’s going to want a drink or two.  Beer is universal.  Beer is everywhere.  When you want to make a new friend you invite him out for a beer.  (And when you want to meet strange women from OK Cupid, you invite them out for coffee.  Hey, don’t judge.)  Beer is the peacemaker, but what kind of beer?  It’s got to be a beer you can find anywhere.  The most common beers are wheat beer or Belgium.  Ruling: Hulk drink Chimay.  Poured from an 11.2 oz bottle, the hazy brown color with some off-white lacing, the dried fruit and malt aroma with notes of dried fruit, caramel and malts.  Smooth and easy, Chimay is a superb brew with lots of complexity, ready-made comfort for the world’s most widely hunted scientist who’s just trying to maintain his fucking calm.

Hm, I actually see this as a good choice. A beer to remain chill, to relax with makes sense. A good Chimay also makes sense, for the comfort of something smooth and wonderful. Excuse me for a moment… I need a beer. And I really think we need to discuss how TWM is meeting women at some point. 

The Flash: Barry Allen is a forensic scientist for the Central City Police Department who was teased by his family and other cops on the force for not being a real cop.  He’s a flattop and a bow-tie man, rock steady and reliable.  Methodical.  He’s also a high-speed bad ass, thanks to a late night in the office, a freak bolt of lightning and a nearby rack of chemicals which gives him a nearly impossible-to-replicate origin.  So what does the Fastest Man Alive prefer to sip on when he’s not outrunning crime?  Vodka and Red Bull?  Readers!  Post your suggestions below!

Dude, this is a guy that doesn’t need to worry about calories, as I had it pointed out to me over lunch the other day. He could drink whatever he wanted because he’s going to burn it off right away. Boom! Just like that, both the calories and the buzz — gone. He could drink rum and coke. The caffeine kick would probably be funny. Redbull and vodka, sure why not? He would probably enjoy a good amber ale too, or a high gravity beer. 

Batman: Dark, moody. Bruce Wayne (spoiler!) probably doesn’t need get too fucked up.  Here’s a man who seldom gets a night off from his demons — or his job, and hey, it’s Gotham, a city that boasts its own asylum so there’s always some nut job looking to step up and get bat-punched.  When that famous signal lights up the night sky, this lunatic playboy needs to be functional in a hurry.  I vote Knob Creek, Maker’s Mark or Woodford Reserve on ice.

While I would agree with the bourbon idea in the sense of whiskey, I think he could afford WAY better than that. I’m thinking more the Van Winkle whiskey, small batch, artisan, pricey and oh, so good. Thing is, I think he would be able to be functional no matter how much he drank because of all the bad ass meditation skills and what-not that he learned while travelling the world to become the martial arts “mind over matter” dude that he is. Well, that and I’m sure he could have some technological “instant sober” electro-zapper dohickey developed to alter his brain chemistry on a moments notice.  Bat signal? No problem…bzzzzzt all sober!  Being at the beck and call of Gotham is no reason not to live it up, right? 

Superman: (Alright here comes TWM with the bad Superman jokes. Freakin hater.) Two guys are in the bar at the top of the Empire State Building.  One says to the other, “You know, it’s not widely known but the updrafts from the street are so strong that you can jump out the window and they will carry you back up safely.”  The other guy says, “You’re out of your mind — no way is that true!”  The first one says, “Well, watch…” And he walks over, jumps out the window and sure enough, a couple of seconds later he floats back up and lands on the ledge as light as a feather.  So the second guy says, “Wow!  That looks fun!  I have to try that!”  So he jumps out the window and falls screaming to his death far below.  And the bartender says, “You’re a mean drunk, Superman.” (That’s right folks, he’s here all week.  Aren’t you lucky? Try the veal.)

The All-American Alien got all kinds of crunk in 1983’s Superman III when he was exposed to synthetic kryptonite (a mix of 15.08% plutonium, 18.06% tantalum, 27.71% xenon, 24.02% promethium, 10.62% dialium, 3.94% mercury, and 0.57% tobacco tar) that split the Man of Steel into two people, which resulted in him spending half the movie being the ultimate prankster gangster.  And what did he drink while sitting at the bar of the St. Louis Motel flicking peanuts through the bottles?  Johnny Walker.  Next.

Bah. Wrong. If I remember correctly he also changed to human for Lois Lane at one point… which means then he could have been drunk off normal stuff, too, and without the whole split-personality thing. Also, why are we assuming that Mr. Goodyhappyundies would want to get drunk at all? Maybe he would be drinking to fit in, which is the reason he does so many things… to seem more native, to fit in, ya know to be human. He was also raised in Kansas, on a farm and so would drink either a Kansas micro brew or the “everyman” beer, Budweiser (I am totally cheating on this one, I had thought “beer” all along, but the Kansas connection came from Logan.) He would only drink Johnny Walker on the really rough days, but his go-to would definitely be a beer — Bud or a local Kansas brew like his Dad drank. 

Iron Man:  When Tony Stark falls off the wagon he does it with style; the best money booze can buy.  For his breakfast drink?  Probably a good microbrew, maybe a nice Rogue ale, the hair of the dog that bit you.  For his mid-afternoon sipping pleasure?  A good Scotch, maybe Glendronach (25 yr.)  And for his evening drink?  Cognac.  Because: ladies.  (See also: The Iron Man Drinking Game)

What, no vodka martinis? And when did he go on the wagon? Beer for breakfast seems a bit common, I was thinking mimosas made from Dom Perignon White Gold Jeroboam and organic blood oranges squeezed just that morning. Cognac, for the ladies? bah. What ladies have you been talking to? Also have to disagree with the Scotch choice. If you remember his conversation with Pepper in the movie about paintings, or anything about his general choice making when it comes to purchases he tends to want what others do especially when there aren’t many of whatever it is. I have to say his scotch would be Dalmore Trinitas, there were only 3 bottles ever made (thus the name), aged 64 it goes for a pretty penny. (More than $150,000 per bottle)

Aquaman: … wait, what? I’m not even sure why he’s in this list.  What the hell does Aquaman even drink? Spring water?  Does he frequent one of those trendy London bars where you only get to smell the booze? No, wait! I got it. Cold, cloudy Nigori sake. A fruity nose and a mild flavor. Goes great with sushi. (Or is that white wine goes better with fish?)

He is on this list cause he is awesome, dammit. And he would drink rum. RUM! Probably Kraken Rum. I don’t need to justify why. tableflip

Join us next time as we discuss heroines and what they would sip, shoot, or otherwise consume. 



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